Twas The Night Before Statins
‘Twas the night before statins, and all through the land
Our lipids were lethal, as we’d soon understand.
Our eggs were all stacked in the fridge with great care
In hopes they’d be scrambled, or fried if we dare.
The children were calm and well-fed in their beds,
While visions of sausages danced in their heads.
The dads, mostly lean, and wives often thinner
Had just settled down for a porterhouse dinner.
When out in the world there arose such a clatter,
They sprang from their plates to see what was the matter,
And what on the cover of TIME should appear,
But an arrogant scientist, peddling fear.
Cheers and belief from an ignorant press
Gave a luster of truth to the new, biased mess.
So away to the doctor we flew in a pack,
In hopes of a plan to end heart attacks.
He was dressed in all white from his neck to his butt
(which conveniently hid the size of his gut).
He sat us all down for a well-meaning chat:
“More carbohydrates — avoid all that fat!”
So sugars and starches we passed through our lips,
Only to wear them on bellies and hips.
Our hearts with their plaques continued to swell,
We grew diabetic and weren’t feeling well.
The doctor announced it was likely our fault –
We were, after all, still eating salt.
“But there’s no other option,” he said with shrug,
And pulled out his pad to prescribe some new drugs.
“Now Crestor! Now Zocor! Then Lipitor next!
Now Lipex! Now Lescol, and best take Plavix!
To the depths of the liver! To the artery wall!
Force it down, force it down, foul cholesterol!”
Our appetites crazed, we soon looked like blimps.
Our children lost focus, our manhood went limp.
The doctor examined joints now wracked with pain
And concluded the patients were old or insane.
He chose Celebrix for muscles that ache,
And added Cialis to the drugs we should take.
“Now stick to your diet, and be of good cheer,
If this doesn’t work, I’ll do lap-band next year!”
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Dear Santa
Dear Santa, as you doubtless know
the people have been had,
I have but one small wish and so
I ask for one small tad
of goodwill from you just this year
to make the world more healthy,
if you could see your pathway clear
to reprimand the wealthy.
I talk, as you may grasp, dear man
of Pharma and their cronies,
please could you would you if you can
attenuate the phoneys?
To do this I suggest you make
their chemists fill the potions
the pills etcetera all fake
so they go through the motions
of using substances inert
like chalk, but rarely cheese
such chemicals can never hurt,
I ask you Santa please?
You know third world suppliers do
ship boosters for libido
and other medicines to you
for John and his dog Fido.
Let them make money, yes indeed
but not at the expense
of those who are in dire need
of love and common sense.
©2009Herbert Nehrlich
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Thus Spoke Socrates
Oh ye folks, you have suffered the bane of delusion,
you look up to the great healing hands,
while your eyes have gone blind to the rampant collusion
that has swept with a vengeance all lands.
While the powers created a people in need
there was profit usurping good sense,
and the fellows wore white as the mantle of greed
and they talked of essential expense.
Yes, dear citizens, God erred in most of his ways
he created a nightmare of scrap,
of the billions of cells that a body displays
only few have potential on tap.
Yet, for reasons unknown he allowed us to grow
much gray matter to clear the morass,
and the doctor stands tall, he is certain to know
what to do for your pain in the ass.
Be implicit in trust, take your medicine boy
and commence this procedure at birth,
let no naysayers stir and no health nuts annoy
it is wealth that must rule the old Earth.
Be assured though, dear friend, let the truth now be told
neither doctor nor medicine heals,
we were made to obey on our path to grow old
and the secret is buried in meals.
Let thy food, so he said, be thy medicine then
he was right, and he prayed and he preached,
and the time may yet come that the stroke of a pen
sees all healers and peddlers impeached.
Let me add still that arrogance hardly may suit
human beings, consider just this:
that we may be quite handsome and some even cute
but with so many things so amiss,
we are feeble and weak, and we suffer great ills
at the slightest light change in the breeze
I would think we would bring an assortment of pills
just to make it 'till morning (I tease) .
©2009Herbert Nehrlich
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